My Email to Adidas

Hey fellas,

I'm not one to normally complain, but today I think that my complaints are warranted.

I am a claims adjuster for an auto/ home insurance company. Well, that was accurate this morning. I'm not anything now, and in a way, it's your fault.

I was working on a theft loss claim this afternoon. I had a list of things that had been jacked by from our policy holder, and was in the process of verifying the values of everything, by finding prices for all of these items on the internet. Apparently, this fella liked to workout because he had a good bit of athletic equipment stolen. Apparently, he knew what he was doing too because almost all of his stuff was Nike.

Now, for the record, their page pissed me off as well. I couldn't just get a price for anything, I had to go through all these steps of personalizing all the shit that I was looking up. Like who gives a damn really? If the fact that the Swoosh on your gymbag is teal, instead of green, who cares? Let me know how much it costs before I have "Bad Motherfucker" stitched across the top.

After I got this guy's Nike stuff squared away, I turned my attention to your page to look up the value of a pair of pants. That's it. A pair of "classic" tear-away fucking pants. Why do you guys call them "classic" anyway? Anything that you can buy at K-Mart is not, by definition, classic. Anything that is made by people in third world countries for four cents an hour isn't classic. It's a pair of pants, get over yourselves.

Anyway, so I load up www.adidas.com.... and that reminds me, does that name really stand for "All Day I Dream About Soccer"? I always feel like a liar for saying that in my head, because of all the things that I day dream about during the day, soccer gets less brain time than your "classic" tear-away pants, and if all you dream about is soccer, why make basketball pants?

What's the story with your website anyway? I practically had to shave again by the time that intro finished loading. "Impossible is nothing?" Would it be possible for me to access your regular site before I start collecting my social security? For a second there, I didn't think you sold anything on your website except for paintings which look vaguely like Gilbert Arenas. And I do mean "vaguely"... Maybe Gilbert should spend more time trying to assemble better players around him, then maybe nobody would have seen the Wizards advance to the second round as opposed to nobody seeing the Wizards get knocked out in the first round. Seriously, I only know like three people who watch the NBA and they all hang out together. When you guys advertise during the NBA playoffs, how many people see it, like 12?

So I click on "basketball" to try and find the price of these "classic" pants, and I see this big fucking hand on the screen and the words "adidas Basketball. Click here to launch experience." I think that you guys are a little full of yourself. Las Vegas is an experience. Sitting around with a thumb up your ass trying to order sweatpants online is no more of an "experience" than those pants are "classic." What are you going to say? "Honey, I paid $50 for a pair of sweatpants with buttons from the ankle to the hip... I could've gotten a pair of sweatpants from Sears for $11, but it was all about the 'experience' of paying a 3,000% markup." Do ad campaigns like that work on anyone?

Your page is so slow. You should change your slogan to "The Brand of Three Shits" because that's how many times I wound up getting up to use the bathroom while waiting on your page to load. In between, I got bored so I beat freecell, did my income taxes (I got quite a laugh on April 17 when I mailed the IRS an envelope full of Pizza Hut coupons), beat solitaire, read half of Faust, beat Minesweeper, and finally started looking at some porn right there in my cubicle because I wanted to beat off while I waited.

That's pretty much how I got in trouble. The third time I got up to use the restroom (to urinate), my boss was standing next to my desk when I came back. She pointed at my moniter and said "What the hell is that?" I said "I don't know the exact pronunciation, but I believe it's 'man-ahge-a-twah.'" She was not impressed, even though the fella had a huge dong.

I had several other windows open, and one of the others was pretty nasty, even by my standards. She wrote on my termination slip that I was viewing on company computer equipment "sexually explicit material including orgy and boocockay." She didn't even know it's spelled "bukkake." Hilarious.

So I don't have a job now, and it's pretty much your fault because I wouldn't have been porning if your website ran efficiently. Ironically enough, I'm going to be spending a lot of time wearing sweatpants.... it's all about the experience.