Commercial Liberties Part II

Bet you thought I wouldn't get around to writing this.

The Wendy's commercials really get on my nerves these days.

It's way better than fast food. It's Wendy's!

I don't have a problem with Wendy's saying that they're better than other fast food establishments, although I would find the veracity of that statement to be questionable as well. Wendy's is usually good in a pinch, I mean, you never set off to go to Wendy's, you always just sort of end up there. A few weeks ago, I was really craving some Krystal. I got in the car and started driving, not really knowing the location of the nearest Krystal. I got in I-75 north and began heading out of Atlanta, sure that I'd find a Krystal sooner or later. Before I knew it, I was 45 miles north of Atlanta. Out loud, I said to myself "I'm getting some dad gum Krystal." And I did, eventually. I could just never see myself going to those lengths to get Wendy's, literally willing myself to another exit, reaffirming my desire to eat their food with profane proclamations.

Any why not? Because it's just plain ole vanilla - wait for it - FAST FOOD. It's nothing to be ashamed of. I don't set out on quests for McDonald's or Burger King. But then, to be fair, I don't get angry with, well scratch that, the "i'm lovin it" ad campaign by McDonalds is pretty bad. Maybe that should be Part III of this series if Maddox hadn't already nailed it. Point is, I get a little bit irritated by this red headed step child telling me that her product is "way better than fast food."

Let's talk about the Wendy's "experience", shall we?

Does it involve:

-Making your meal selection from a large board? YES
-Iterating your order through a mircophone from a car window? YES
-Specifiying your meal as "small", "medium", or "large" (or "Biggie")? - YES
-Reading a sign informing you that you are under 24 hour video survelliance? YES
-Wondering idly What the hell is going on back there? YES
-Passing your money/ credit card through a window framed in bullet proof glass? YES
-Getting a drink, but not your food, until your payment is secured? YES
-Receiving your food in a paper bag with each item wrapped it its own container? YES
-Checking to ensure that your order is correct before you drive away? YES
-Being really pissed off if all of the above took more than five minutes? YES
-Tipping your server? NO

How, exactly, is that not fast food? If it isn't fast food, if it's on some sort of greater plane of existance, then what is it? Why play us for a bunch of fools?

Here are some other ideas, going along with Wendy's theme:

Budweiser: Way better than American beer

Lortab: Way better than a pain pill

Morton: Way better than iodized salt


Get the picture? I think that little red headed step child should watch Donnie Brasco toward the end, where Joe Pistone tells his wife "...I am them." And his wife is saddened, crushed that what she knew all along was now confirmed, he's no better than 'them', no different. Wendy's reminds me of what they say about crabs in bucket, how when one crab attempts to climb out, the other crabs will pull him back into the bucket. Only in this case, the crab trying to climb out is Wendy's marketing team, the other crabs are Wendy's attributes, and the bucket is, I don't know, a grease stained paper bag. And the old, salty fisherman watching it all is me, saying "What a bucha morons. On another note, I wish I could be on Deadliest Catch just for one season. I think I could do it. I wish that they hadn't revised all the regulations up there. The show was better when it was a true open season, I think."

I think that people typically like the idea of eating crab moreso than actually doing it. Crab legs are a lot of work, and the yield of meat is really pretty low when you think about it. Deviled crab is good, you get more food and you don't make such a mess doing it. The flavor is really good too. I tried to order a manhattan and deviled crab at Wendy's once. They told me they carry either of those things because they're a fast food restaurant.